


Home and Heart

by TheBlackBat



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Spoilers for Chapter 86, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21534199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBlackBat/pseuds/TheBlackBat
Summary: Spoilers for Chapter 86.It’s almost the end of the world, Beau thinks as she holds her nearly-fatal wound, just barely healed after the last fight, and makes her way down to where Obann, the Inevitable End, and Nott await them. The final battle? Just maybe. Beau muses this as she waits with the others before they make their move, no doubt the same though running through their heads as well.It’s almost the end of the world and here she is, jealous. Jealous of the way Jester quitely begs Fjord not to die.Priorities right?
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett, hints of Beauregard/Yasha
Comments: 10
Kudos: 188





	1. Just a Crush

It’s almost the end of the world, Beau thinks as she holds her nearly-fatal wound, just barely healed after the last fight, and makes her way down to where Obann, the Inevitable End, and Nott await them. The final battle? Just maybe. Beau muses this as she waits with the others before they make their move, no doubt the same though running through their heads as well.

It’s almost the end of the world and here she is, jealous. Jealous of the way Jester quitely begs Fjord not to die. 

The petty part of her brain screams, “It’s not fair!” Beau almost died too. She was almost there but it was Jester who brought her back. 

That has to mean something. The nagging thought runs rampent through her racing mind.

Please let it mean something. Beau stops herself. No, it doesn’t mean what she desperately wants it to mean. 

_“I don’t think she thinks that I’m her type.”_

Talking to Nott, she fantasized about being Jester’s beacon but who was she kidding? It was Jester who was Beau’s light in the darkness. She cups the tattoo, her tribute to Molly and wonders what he was thinking when he was in her place, being impaled, at death’s door and forced passed it once again. A part of her thinking that she deserves such a fate for being unable to protect her friend from his own early end. But Jester brought her back. She always does. In more ways than this one.

In the moments before they discovered the secret passage, Yasha apologizes for nearly killing her and Beau waves her apology. 

In the midst of the chaos as they make their way through, Yasha stops her gently, searchingly.

“He had you…”

The monk shrugs but instantly regrets the movement, winces, “Yeah.”

“But how? How did you do it?” Yasha’s voice is still soft but Beau can sense the desperation.

Beau closed her eyes, once again seeing the beaches of Nicodranas. The blueness of the sea, and the sky, and her. “My home. I just thought of my home.” She says wistfully, deliberately keeping her eyes closed now as she was sure that her own eyes would search for Jester’s. 

“You are… very lucky.”

Beau nodded and went forward because what else is there to say? Her heart now tugged a little in another direction. Yasha, the angel in the dark. Jester, her beacon in the night. 

But this wasn’t the time to think about that.

Except now all she can think about is Jester taking Fjord’s hands in her own. The gentleness and love shining in her eyes. It hurts, probably worse than getting stabbed by Yasha but Beau forces herself to think about the battle ahead instead.

But before she steps out onto the final battleground, arms wrap around her middle from behind her, carefully clutching the wound Yasha inflicted with her Skingorger. Jester squeezes slightly not saying a word but still Beau feels like she can take on a million Obanns with her eyes closed. 

Her light in the darkness.

It’s just a crush, right?

-

Suddenly, it’s not the end of the world.

They survive the battle by the skin of their teeth. There’s still a war out there but they don’t care right now because they just stopped a fucking god from escaping his prison. They retreat back to Nicodranas to recover without fear of war or battles. They retreat and they celebrate. 

They have Yasha back and they’re all alive. It should feel like a victory and in a way it does but Beau is just tired. Heavy from the events that transpired in a very short period of time. Still, she can’t deny that they all need this.

The inn they decide to rest at in Nicodranas is no way ready for the battle-weary and slightly delirious Mighty Nine. It was somehow unspoken that they didn’t want Marion and Yeza to see the group in such a state after their battle so they chose the Weathered Bird Inn for the night. 

The popular sailor’s respet is the perfect place to blow off steam from their fight. Jester and Nott leading the way, yelling out in relief and joy with Caleb and Caduceus going to the bar and piling on coin in preemptive apology. Fjord joins them soon after, eyeing Yasha carefully, still unable to believe that she’s really back and still unable to trust her allegiances.

Beau and Yasha hang back. Beau could only guess that it’s because Yasha doesn’t feel like she deserves this moment. Even if Fjord changed his mind, Yasha’s guilt will weigh her down for eons, Beau knows that without even speaking with the fallen assimar. 

As for the Cobal Soul Expositor herself? It turns out that nearly dying has its toll. Humanity has its limits even for a self-proclaimed badass such as herself. She needs a minute. 

There’s a band in this pub tonight but Beau assumes that even without a band, Jester would be out on the floor dancing the night away.

“What are you doing, Jes?” Nott yells over the music, pointing out the sporadic movements Jester is doing with her arms bent and rigidly in motion, forearms swinging mechanically.

“I call it the Golem!”

Beau laughs as she seats herself down, spinning the chair around and throwing her arms over the back of the seat. Arms crossed and leaning her head down, Beau stares out to the dance floor Yasha is behind her, leaning on the wall. She swears she hears a fond chuckle erupt but Beau doesn’t check to confirm. 

Making eye contact with Nott is probably the worst mistake because the small goblin holds Beau’s gaze, pointing to Jester every time the tiefling isn’t looking. Nott motions Beau to dance with Jester. If only it were that easy. Beau grumbles, blushing and hiding in her arms. Doesn’t Nott know that if she wanted to dance with Jester, she would have asked her to dance already? 

She doesn’t. ...Want to dance, that is. 

No, definitely not. 

But what if? 

What if?

No matter how hard she tries, the fantasies don’t stop bubbling up. Twirling around the room with Jester, picking her up and spinning her around and around before Jester laughs so hard she almost pukes… laughing still as their faces gravitate towards each other, lips grazing as the laughter dies…

“Yasha, dance with me!!!” The shout brings Beau’s mind right back to the present and the monk checks behind her to see that Jester is trying everything to bring Yasha out to the dance floor.

But Yasha retreats, fear and guilt all written on her face. “Ah, no Jester. I am sorry. I just... do not feel like dancing tonight.”

“Oh okay. Sorry to bother you Yasha...” And Beau could hear the sadness in Jester’s voice as it gets quieter. Quiet and sadness? That’s just not Jester so Beau does the only thing she can do to get her friend to smile again. 

There’s a tap on Jester’s shoulder and when she turns around there’s Beau, bowing the way that noblemen do when courting a lady, exaggerated as to bring that shining smile back to the Sapphire’s face and to not give away Beau’s true feelings. 

“May I have this dance, Miss Lavorre?” she says lowering her voice dramatically.

A second passes too long, making Beau instantly want to shrink and hide forever but like the dawn after a long stay in Roshana, Jester’s smile makes all the darkness disappear.

“You may!” And so what if Jester is using her McFancypants voice? It may all be a joke to Jester but she’s smiling again and that’s all that matters to Beau. 

Jester squeals and grasps the hand Beau held out, almost pulling her shoulder out of her socket to get out to the dance floor. Beau likes to imagine the crowd’s parting as they make their way but the pub is almost empty at this point, unable to deal with Jester and Nott’s antics. Not that the Might Nein cares. Not that Beau cares. She knows now more than ever that she would follow Jester anywhere. 

Her home isn’t just Nicodranas. It’s her. Her warmth. Her smile. Jester Lavorre is home.

The music slows but Jester doesn’t stop showing Beau her new dance moves, going along with an entirely different beat. 

And Beau knows that she’s Jester’s fourth choice. Maybe fifth after Cad or Caleb. She was definitely chosen after Fjord, that knowledge cuts deeper than any sword, but maybe almost dying removed some of the fear of the uncertainty. The heart is complex, after all. 

She stops Jester’s erratic dancing and the tiefling looks up at her, a little perplexed, a little sad at the thought that their dance could be over so soon but Beau moves a little closer, placing a callused hand on Jester’s hip, and holding Jester’s hand in another. Beau hated this particular dance in her youth but the way that Jester’s eyes shine makes it all worth it. The room gets warmer and Beau’s grateful for her hatred of sleeves because she holds Jester close and sways her along with the slower tempo.

“We did it, Beau.” Jester sighs happily.

“We did.”

“I’m sorry, by the way,” Jester throws her arms around Beau and hides her head in Beau’s chest. There’s a crack in Jester’s voice and just like the other day when the Gentleman rejected her outright, Beau hugs Jester close.

“What? Jes, what do you have to be sorry for?”

Jester just shakes her head, “I’m sorry I didn’t heal you.”

“But you did.” Beau assures the blue cleric. 

“No, before you went down. Before Yasha-” Jester stops, unable to say what happened because the sight is seared into her memory for life. 

Beau shakes her own head this time, “You made a call, Jes. I don’t blame you for that.”

“But-”

Beau pulls her close again, cutting her off and lowering her head so she’s close to Jester’s ear. “You brought me back. No matter what happens, I know you’ll always bring me back.”

There’s silence, they’ve stopped moving but soon Jester lets out an anguished wail, the past few days, weeks, and months finally all crashing at once. Missing her mom. Losing her home. Finding the Mighty Nine. Losing Molly. Finding her dad. Her dad rejecting her. Her dad finding her. Everything just becomes too much at once.

“Shh, Jes. I got you.” Beau sees the rest of the Mighty Nein come forward but she waves them off, simply scooping her up and bringing her to their shared room.

She holds her until Jester falls asleep and when she does Beau tries to get up but a blue hand grasps her collar. 

“Don’t leave me, please.” Jester whimpers, half asleep.

“Never.”

“Love you, Beau.” She snuggles closer to Beau and the monk feels closer to heaven than she did when she was dying.

“I love you too, Jes.” The admission feels different than the last time she said it and that’s when Beau’s stomach drops. 

It’s not just a crush.

Fuck.


	2. Can't Hold a Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau and Yasha meditate, Jester is mad, and Nott isn't drunk?

The next morning comes too soon as the rising sun peaks into the room, waking Beau from her dreamless sleep. Dreamless because the one person she would dream about is already in her arms. Sleeping soundly. Tear-stained and so, so beautiful. 

Also, still surprisingly ripped. Holy shit. 

A moment of weakness has her check out Jester’s abs again, frowning when she notices the remnant scarring from the Inevitable End’s surprise attack. 

Beau takes a second to brush some hair out of Jester’s face. She would do anything to stay in this moment and that thought is enough for her to leave it. Jester’s innocence doesn’t keep her from being one of the most insightful people Beau has ever met and there would be no hiding the love on Beau’s face in this moment if Jester were to wake up now.

She takes some time to write a note, not wanting Jester to think that she just left her alone without saying anything. Swearing under her breath as she writes because there’s so much she wants to say but once she starts the embarrassment creeps up her neck, she finds that the note is more crossed out nonsense than an actual message. Fuck it. 

The inn is near the beach they had visited with Luc and Yeza and Beau uses the trip to warm up with a run. When she gets there she goes through some of the forms and patterns that are just so instinctively a part of her now after years of reluctant lessons from unforgiving, no-nonsense monks. It is funny that she willingly goes through them now to find peace because at the time she thought they were annoying and pointless dances. Huh, she muses, this must be some of that personal growth shit that she’s been trying to get at.

Meditating in the same spot, Beau tries to center herself. It takes a while to find the peace she had before but it comes to her all the same. She feels her ki and her body connect and lets her mind feel everything around her and inside her at the same time.

A presence behind her snaps her out of her meditation and when she opens her eyes she’s surprised to find Yasha behind her, nervous and uncertain.

“Hey there, stranger.” 

“Oh hi…” Yasha trails off.

“Come here often?” Beau winks at her. After all, flirting with Yasha is easy.

“Oh no, I just saw you leave and followed you out here. Caduceus woke up early to commune with his Wildmother. I would’ve liked to do the same with the Stormlord but…” Yasha looks around pointedly, not a cloud in the sky.

“Did you… want to meditate with me?” Beau asks awkwardly.

“I’m not sure how that works, actually.” Yasha says as she gestures helplessly at Beau sitting cross-legged on the ground. “I don’t know if I’m capable of this.”

Beau shrugs and pats the sand beside her, “There’s only one way to find out.”

And so Yasha shrugs, sets her swords down in between her and Beau and takes her seat besides the monk.

“The most important thing about meditation is your breathing…”

“Okay,” Yasha says, eyes wide and taking a deep breath, holding it.

“You gotta breathe out too, Yash.” Beau says, hitting the aasimar in the chest. “Close your eyes, relax your shoulders and breathe in. Focus on the way the air fills your lungs, the way it moves your body and where every part of your body is in this moment.” She pauses for a bit, watching Yasha breathe in, holding the breathe in for a few seconds, “Breathe out and with that breath imagine you are pushing all the negative thoughts out. Letting them go into nature to be recycled and turned into something life-giving for the trees and the plants…”

They sit for a while, Beau quiet and calmly walking Yasha through the process, neither noticing a familiar blue tiefling observing them from afar with a hint of sadness.

“How’d it go for you?” Beau asks when they break, it’s still morning, that much she can tell from the sun but it’s getting close to lunch and she’s sure that the rest of the Might Nein will be wondering where they had gone.

“Okay, I think. I actually do feel more at peace. Whatever that means.” Yasha says as she stands up and brushes off some sand. They begin to make their way back, Yasha walking and Beau using the walk to brush up on some punch and kicking combos.

“Yeah, I mean. Obviously it doesn’t make me any less of an asshole but it helps my mind and my body stay connected. Helps me stay connected with myself.” Beau pauses, catching herself rambling but when she notices Yasha still hanging on every word and expecting her to continue, she does, “I know you guys have your deities and I’m not trying to like shit on your beliefs at all but at some point you gotta be able to get your strength from within yourself, you know? I think meditation helps with that. Because when the chips are down and your deity can’t reach you for whatever reason, you at least still have yourself.”

“That is… very wise, Beauregard.”

Beau blushes, “What? No, I was just saying stuff off the top of my head.”

Yasha laughs and soon Beau joins in. Regardless of any romantic feelings for either Yasha or Jester, Beau sincerely missed having Yasha around. 

When they get back to the inn, they find the whole gang sitting around the same group of tables waiting for lunch to be served. Jester is facing away from the door, unhappy and tense for some reason.

“And where did you two sneak off to this morning?” Nott questions with scrutiny, pointedly glaring at Beau.

Beau shrugs, trying to take the seat across from Jester but the blue tiefling just huffs and turns to face Fjord and Caleb. “Just some meditation by the beach.”

“Oh is that all?” Jester says snidely, an attitude that Beau hasn’t seen since Fjord’s first encounter with Avantica.

“I mean, yeah. Jes, you alright?”

“I’m fine! It’s not like I care. You can do whatever and just leave me all alone in the morning with your new best friend like whatever. I don’t care!” Jester angrily yells it all in one breath before standing abruptly and stalking out of the inn. 

“What?” Beau looks around helplessly, Fjord, Cad and Caleb refusing to make eye contact while Nott just glares, “Seriously, what just happened?”

“I’m going to get more drinks, wanna join me fellas?” Fjord says as he gets up, Caduceus, Caleb and Yasha also move over towards the bar. The half-orc just pats Beau’s shoulder as he passes, “Don’t you worry about Jessie. She’s probably just embarrassed about last night.”

Beau nods, that makes sense but the way that Nott just scoffs tells her that that’s not it at all.

As soon as they’re left alone at the table, Nott starts whispering furiously, “Running away with Yasha? You hussie! You skank! You- you womanizer!”

“Woah, woah, woah. Nott, what’re you talking about?”

Nott puts up her finger, hushing Beau while she takes a swig from her flask. “I trusted you with her! What is Jester, just a one night stand to you? How dare-”

A wave of anxiety and embarrassment washes over Beau as she uses her dexterous speed to cover Nott’s mouth, getting her to stop before her volume becomes too loud. “Shh, damn it Nott. What the hell are you talking about? Jester and I haven’t-” Beau reddens at the thought, “We didn’t sleep together! I mean, we did. But not like that. No sex-” she chokes at the thought, “We didn’t have sex! We just slept.”

Nott’s eyes narrow.

“I swear, Nott!”

“Look all I know is that when Jester and I talked this morning, she was in a lot better of a mood. She asked where you went, left, and when she came back she was really sad.” Nott glares up at Beau, “And I know it’s because you and Yasha ran away together! What are you doing? You said you liked Jester but as soon as Yasha gets back and you have your way with Jester, you just up and change your mind!” Nott pauses, a look of horror creeps on her face, “AM I NEXT?”

“Nott!” Too loud, this conversation was too loud and too public. Beau picks up the horror-stricken goblin and takes her outside, letting the rest of the group know that they’ll be back later. “You’re not next! I meant what I said about Jester.”

“Then what’s going on?” Nott interrogates as she fixes her dress after Beau lets her down on the beach.

“That’s what I’d like to know! Why’s she mad at me?” 

There’s a pause as Nott rubs her face, “Maybe…”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe this is it! The moment! Jester realizes just how much she loves you right when a love rival comes onto the scene.”

No, that can’t be it. Can it? Beau stops herself. No.

But what if?

What if?

“No!” Beau waves it away as if the actual motion would stop the fantasies build up in her head. “Jester doesn’t, she can’t-” Her face starts overheating, was it always this hot in this beautiful, tropical city? “I’m still not going to do anything, Nott. I can’t handle knowing that she doesn’t. I can’t hear her say it.”

“You won’t know for sure unless you tell her!!” Nott pauses and hums, “But what about Yasha?”

“What about her?”

“I think- I mean we all thought that you were going after her this whole time.”

“I was, I think. But flirting with Yasha is fun, you know? And safe.”

“Why?”

Beau shrugs, “Because deep down, even before she told us about her wife, I always knew the answer would be no.”

“Well, that’s just sad.”

“Shut up!”

Nott pats Beauregard sympathetically then stops, “But how is that different from Jester?”

“Because what I feel for Jester is different!” Beau yells in frustration, kicking the sand and focusing her ire onto the sea, “Would Yasha and I make the most badass couple? Maybe! And maybe I could one day love her like I love Jester but right now Jester is the one I want to be with. She’s the one and in my fantasies, I’m her one too. But we both know that it’s just that. A fantasy.”

“Look, Beauregard. Fantasies are fantasies for a reason. You don’t actually have to do anything to have them. They come and go. They disappear because they aren’t real and maybe that’s safe but at the end of the day you have nothing to show for it.” Nott sits down on the sand and pulls at Beauregard’s pant leg to motion her to join her. When Beau joins her, Nott continues, “Any fantasies I had about Caleb are just that. They’re not real. What’s real is my friendship with him. What’s real is my marriage to Yeza, our child together. I could have so many fantasies but none of them are as real as those bonds.”

Beau sighs, letting the words wash over her. She thinks about last night. About fantasies of dances with Jester and actually getting to hold her in her arms. Fantasy and reality. They can’t compare. “Fuck, dude. What do I do?” Beau asks pitifully, her arms wrapped around her legs, her head resting on her knees. 

“I don’t know, Beau. That’s up to you. What I do know is that Jester is hurting right now and today it seems like part of that reason is you.” Beau winces but nods, “You don’t have to spill your undying love to her right now but as one of her best friends…”

“...I should still talk to her.” Beau finishes the thought and nods. First and foremost, Jester was her best friend and something was bothering her. That is the real. That should come first.

“Yeah.”

“Thanks, Nott.” Beau says dusting off her legs as she gets up, “You are very wise when you’re sober.”

“Oh, I’ve been drunk this whole time,” There’s a pause as if Beau’s trying to tell if Nott’s joking before the goblin waves her off, “Nah, I’m just fucking with you. Go, take care of our girl!”

“Aye, aye!” And then Beau’s off, running back to the inn with renewed determination. 

Nott looks on before making her way to the shore. Looking at her reflection, she sighs and casts Disguise Self to become Veth once again. She doesn’t know how long they’ll be here for but she’s not going to waste another chance to see her family.

She looks over in the direction that Beau ran off in and hopes for the best for her friends before making her way to the Lavish Chateau.

-

Beauregard is sweating and out of breath by the time she reaches her shared room with Jester. She doesn’t see Fjord, Cad, or Caleb on her way up but Yasha let her know that they were once again, getting fish and chips and that Yasha was on her way to join them. 

She holds her hand up about to knock but stops. 

What if?

What. If?

Focus on the real! What’s real is her friendship with Jester and Jester needs a friend more than she needs whatever Beau’s got on her mind. Should she get pastries? Fuck, maybe she should get pastries first.

Suddenly the door swings open and she’s face to face with the blue tiefling who’s been on her mind all day.

“Hey, Jes.” She greets, waving awkwardly.

Shit.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love for this story. I had most of this chapter written before I even posted the first chapter but I had to watch a BUNCH of Talks Machina and Critical Role Highlights to make sure I get the characters right. 
> 
> With Yasha I had this idea that she could take a Monk class but then I felt like the meditation could just lead to her taking the Reslient Feat to help her with her Wisdom saving throws. Anyways, I put a LOT of thought into that scene so I hope you guys liked that.
> 
> I didn't plan on the Beau/Nott confiding thing to continue but Nott is so much fun to write. 
> 
> The next chapter should be up this week or next and it will be the day as seen through Jester's perspective. She's a lot more difficult to write than I originally thought. I have most of the chapter written but I'll be taking my time on this one.

**Author's Note:**

> How crazy were the last two episodes of Critical Role, right? I haven't written fanfiction in years but CR has really sparked my creativity. This was intended to be a one-shot but I do have other ideas to tide us all over for the next two weeks. Let me know if you like where this is going!


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